...

i have a goal in life.
it's pretty simple...
but reaching a goal needs patience.
i don't have that patience.
but at least i have a goal.
a goal that is worth my time
a goal that i wouldn't benfit in any form
a goal that will make the people who matter the most to me
feel that they have achieved their dreams through me.
and i promise to those hopefuls that i would give it my best shot.
i never realized that some people depend on me.
how could i be so stupid.
hearing for the first time that i made a person sad
breaks my heart and made me think on what the hell have i been doing.
i feel embarassed and at the same time humiliated.
i never felt so disgusted in myself for quite a while.
to the persons that matter the most of me, i find it hard to
apologize right through their faces. i thought about killing myself, but
it wouldn't do any good. its just an easy way out through the mess that iam in.
i'd rather die knowing that i've accomplished my goal rather than turn away and
do nothing at all.
i got used to losing that it turned into a habit.
second best is not enough for me anymore. and winning is everything to me.
when i realized that the losses piled up, and no one is enjoying anymore,
it's like i was hit by a jolt of lighting at the back of my head.
second best is not enough. it is sad that i cannot accept defeat anymore
but it was even worse when i never did anything about it..